did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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