Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
