she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
