Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
