Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
