I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
