dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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