Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
