shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
