Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
