I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
