I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
