Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
