At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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