it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
