Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
