My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
