evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
nutella sex= disaster
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
