don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize