I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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