Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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