I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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