drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
