what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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