The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
He did a backflip because drugs
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