What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
