My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize