Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
