the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
