May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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