I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
