I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
