if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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