Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
