they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
