all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
