i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
