He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
