I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
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