Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
