her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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