i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
