she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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