so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
