Yo dont text me then not text me
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
