drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Randomize
