Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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