We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I think my moral compass just broke
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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