Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
