I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
