We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
