Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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