We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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