i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
