The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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