you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
