I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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