I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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