be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
